Idol of the Heavenly One - vanish into fiction

Sometimes, the way I used to prepare for a stage crosses my mind. The moments under the lights where I caught my breath, counting the beats to the music with my in-ears plugged in. At that time, I was nervous but I was definitely alive. Currently I have a faint sensation of being alive. The fact that I can collapse like this without being injured, and the thought that I cannot be certain whether I can stand up again, continuously gnaw at my mind. At the end of every day, a relief that I did nothing again today, and a resignation that tomorrow will probably be the same, rush in simultaneously.

If this state ends someday, will something called hope arise again? Currently, I cannot answer that question. However, today as well, even while knowing I would fall into the exact same dream again, I chose and evaded through the easiest option called sleep.

I felt that two months had passed, not by looking at a calendar, but by the weight of daily life. From a certain point, it didn’t feel like an entire day was disappearing, but morning and evening began to be distinguished, and I came to taste food even just a little bit when eating. I also talked with my family. They were not long sentences, and there was no special content, but compared to the time when only silence went back and forth, it was definitely a state of moving forward by about one step. A routine of walking slowly near the house following my dad, doing something like simple stretching, and returning emerged. That ordinariness, where I didn’t get out of breath and my heart didn’t beat noisily, reassured me a little.

Even so, I don’t really know my heart regarding the stage. It’s not that I’ve come to dislike it, but it’s not that I miss it so much I feel like going crazy either. In the past, my body reacted first just by thinking of the stage, but now, even if my thoughts reach it, my emotions do not follow. Both the feeling that it is a place I must return to, and the longing to stand there again, are still ambiguous. I tried hard not to judge whether that was okay, or whether I was running away. It was because it felt like my inner self would collapse again if I started to judge.

Today was also a day with nothing much different. After eating, exercising for a short bit with my dad, and returning home, I was resting in my room. The light coming through the window was neither too bright nor too dark, so I left it just as it was and lay down blankly. Right then, the phone rang. It was Baek Jae-heon. A short message asking if we could meet for a bit since he returned to Korea. Without even room to think, I sent a reply saying we could meet. It was a bit surprising that there was no hesitation.

At the words to meet in front of the house, I came outside just as I was. While taking the elevator down, I realized it only after suddenly seeing my face reflected in the mirror. I had worn neither a mask nor a hat. I had completely forgotten what my job was. A laugh came out. As soon as I arrived at the first floor, I thought I should tell Jae-heon that I would go back up again to fetch a mask and a hat. However, as soon as the elevator door opened, that thought stopped right there.

Baek Jae-heon was standing there. Without a hat or a mask, just like me. Startled for a moment, I approached a few steps and asked what he was doing. The worry about what people see rose up to the tip of my chin, but those words did not come out of my mouth. Baek Jae-heon did not say anything and pulled me just as I was. Without room to think, I was held tightly to the point where each other’s breaths could reach.

Then, in case someone might see this sight, I was about to say a word, but Baek Jae-heon spoke into my ear while laughing. He said that anyway, it would just look like hugging a member gladly because it’s been a long time since seeing them. And he said if someone says something about the two dating, he doesn’t care since he would actually prefer it. That voice laughing playfully was strangely unrealistic. It was a situation where I should be tense, but my body relaxed first.

In the end, I did not say anything. Instead, I hugged Baek Jae-heon’s back in return. It wasn’t that I held tightly, nor was it that I applied strength, but that warmth was felt clearly. A thought flashed by whether there had been a time during the two months where I felt a person’s body temperature this closely. My heart didn’t beat noisily, nor did I want to run away. I just stood there. At least for this moment, the fact that I was held by someone did not feel like a burden, but felt like a support.

The lobby seen over Baek Jae-heon’s shoulder was still quiet, and it felt like no one was watching us. Even if someone saw, I felt that it would be okay right now. I still don’t know my heart regarding the stage, but being able to face a person like this clearly disproved that my condition has improved. I gripped Baek Jae-heon’s back tightly once more, then slowly relaxed my strength. I haven’t returned completely yet, but at the very least, just the fact that I am not trapped entirely alone was enough for the present.