Idol of the Heavenly One - Chapter 132.1
The wind was not as cold as I thought. It was a day where my breath did not get choked up, even when the unique air of the end of winter seeped deep into my lungs. Seven months, almost eight months of time passed just like that. Some said it was long and some said it was short, but to me, it was a time that passed strangely slowly, yet quickly. While resting, I went on a meaningless trip with the members, driving without a destination just to go see the sea. With Baek Jae-heon, I spent my daily life doing truly trivial things. Going to the convenience store together to pick out ice cream, sitting together at night with the TV turned on without saying a word to each other, and then suddenly chatting and laughing when a funny anecdote with the members crossed our minds. Living like that, I thought that living ordinarily was quite alright.
Through that, I realized something belatedly. That I was a person who lived completely satisfied with even this small happiness. Therefore, did all the love I hadn’t received before, or things I deemed myself undeserving to receive, rush in too much all at once, making me unable to handle the weight. Is that why I grew scared, why I ran away, and why I hesitated several times even in front of Baek Jae-heon who reached his hand out to me. The desire to return to YEARZ was definitely there. It was a lie to say I didn’t miss the stage, and I missed the music, the faces of the fans, and even the breathing sounds of the members. Even so, whenever I actually thought about starting again, my heart shriveled up first. Wouldn’t it be okay to live while enjoying only this small happiness, and if I receive a lot of things once again, won’t I collapse? That fear held me back.
So, I suddenly began to recall myself from my past life. How did I live back then? Without leaning on anyone, and without receiving expectations from anyone, how on earth did I endure so firmly by myself like that. What did I eat, what did I see, and at what kind of moments did I laugh. While knowing that an answer could never come out, I sought out a restaurant that the past me used to go to often. The signboard and the interior were all exactly the same, and the smell was similar too. There was nothing special about the taste. It just made me think that my appetite back then and now is exactly the same.
I also walked the promenade. The path was still winding, and the trees were likewise similar in size and similar in shape. The sound of the soil being pressed down in accordance with my footsteps did not change significantly either. New memories of that time freshly crossed my mind all over again. I thought it would look unfamiliar to see it again, but seeing how familiar it is made me feel once more that I truly lived a past life. And eventually, I came all the way here. The place where I slid on an icy road and died. Back then, I felt that the hill was quite high, but seeing it with a rejuvenated body, the hill was low. To think I died in vain here was to the point of being absurd.
Because I couldn’t just stand on the roadside indefinitely, I headed to a playground near there. Sometimes when I left work, I used to come here and sit for a bit before leaving, but the playground felt cleaner than during my past life. Sitting on a bench, I quietly recalled the past me sitting in this place. I don’t know exactly when it was, but it felt like the sun would have been tilted just like this. The air would have been similar too, and the wind would have blown about this much. Did the past me walk without any thoughts back then, or was my mind complicated. When I thought of that moment which would have been ordinary because death was not anticipated, the fact that I can live again suddenly weighed heavily on my chest. I was grateful. Truly. Being able to breathe like this, think like this, and love someone like this felt like a miracle.
Yet at the same time, I couldn’t help but ask myself. Could it be that it was a life I wasn’t meant to handle. Perhaps the past me was able to endure because I had never received this kind of love or attention before. Could it be that current me has become much weaker amidst knowing too many things, feeling too many emotions, and receiving too many expectations. As I indulged in those thoughts, my gaze became fixed on empty space. The laughter of children and the sound of cars heard from afar merely brushed past my ears for a moment.
Right then, someone sat down next to me. Sensing a presence, I glanced—and after checking who it was, I turned my head back. It was a man who looked fifty years old at most, and he was definitely a person I was seeing for the first time. Even so, no particular sense of wariness arose. He just felt like a part of the scenery where it wouldn’t be strange for him to sit in that spot. As I remained staring blankly ahead just as before, that person opened his mouth first.
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