Transmigrated as the Side Top used as an Emotional Trash Can

“Jihwan-ah, did you sleep well?”

I set the soup bowl on the table and greeted him with a bright smile.

“……?”

Even though he had just gotten out of bed, he was pale and neat with not a single hair sticking up, as if Snow White had just awakened. Then he suddenly scrunched up his face as though the light were blinding him, inventing body language that said, ‘I slept like shit, you fucker.’

“Mom, why is he here first thing in the morning?”

“You know Jaehwa’s family tends to keep late hours-.”

Just as she said, Baek Hanrim’s mother, Kim Jaehwa, traveled all over the country according to filming schedules because of her work as a television producer. When she returned home, she either slept like the dead or worked on production plans until she was nearly dead. His father, Baek Junseop, was an airline captain, so he spent more time in the sky or in some foreign country than he did at home.

“I heard you were getting up early to go to school for training, so I invited you over to eat-.”

In contrast, Kim Jihwan’s mother was a Pilates instructor who woke up early to teach dawn classes. Kim Jihwan’s father also seemed naturally diligent. He woke early to tend the plants around the house, and when it snowed heavily, he took the initiative to clear the snowy path. He was someone who made full use of his mornings. Kim Jihwan, born between the two of them, wasn’t one to sleep in either.

“He probably already ate. I’ve never seen him say he skipped a meal.”

That was true.

I was on my way over after thoroughly enjoying soy sauce egg rice made with freshly cooked rice I had set the cooker timer for last night and four fried eggs.

“Jihwan-ah, have you ever seen me turn down food?”

“…….”

Of course not. I’m your trash can.

“Oh my- You eat so well that you’re just too adorable-.”

Mrs. Kim cupped both my cheeks and repeatedly squeezed them until my lips formed the shape of an ‘8.’

“Hehe, please dote on Jihwan-ie instead of me.”

“Should I-? Come here too, my son-.”

“Uugh….”

Seeing Kim Jihwan’s face being kneaded like rice cake made him look like an ordinary son from any other family.

After that day, I was naturally able to join Kim Jihwan’s picture-perfect family mornings. However, I worried that some of the attention and affection meant for Kim Jihwan might be divided and given to me, and that I might keep him from fully enjoying those happy moments, so I stopped going of my own accord.

The sunbaes were increasing the intensity of their weight training to prepare for the regional swimming competition that summer. The newly joined freshmen, who could barely stay afloat, didn’t know any better and were so fired up that they performed the same strength training as the sunbaes and ran laps around the field.

“Aagh…! Th, this is exhausting…!”

There had to be training methods suited to each skill level, but the Swimming Club at my high school was a weak team, so it was difficult to expect that kind of customized program. Well, honestly, in South Korea, we were lucky enough that the high school even had a swimming pool.

“Fuck this, I’m quitting.”

And so, some of the freshmen were beginning to desert.

“…My mom told me to quit too. I think she got fucking pissed when she saw my midterm grades.”

“This fucking sucks. I’m sick of running laps around the field. It’s no fun.”

No wonder they accepted just about anyone. Had they recruited so many because they had already accounted for the ones who would run away?

“Saint B, are you staying?”

“I like water.”

“Hmm… I think I’ll just keep doing it too. The hyungs treat us well.”

“It’s not too bad.”

The ones who remained were either mild-mannered and quietly followed whatever they were told to do, or simply loved sports. When I recalled that the Swimming Club sunbaes were similarly mild-mannered, it seemed that, throughout the club’s long history, only people who quietly followed along like this had remained.

As I watched the diligent seals tirelessly churning their arms through the various lanes of the fifty-meter pool, I found myself hoping they would win impressive medals and walk around proudly with their shoulders back.

When lunchtime arrived, I went to the front of Class 12 to make sure Kim Jihwan ate.

“Hm…? He’s not here….”

I wondered whether he had gone to the bathroom and considered waiting. As I stood in front of the classroom, one of the guys from Class 12 spoke to me.

“Hey, Kim Jihwan went to eat.”

“Oh, really?”

I looked through the hallway window toward the field connected to the cafeteria. I could see a familiar round back of a head heading toward the cafeteria among a group of guys.

“He makes friends just fine now. Good for him.”

It made me proud to realize that he could eat without me now and had grown up, but I also felt a little disappointed. He could’ve told me.

I staggered slightly beneath the conflicting emotions of an owner who had seen his dog wag its tail at someone else. Then the ridiculous thought that if one of us had to be compared to a dog, it made more sense for me to be the dog and Kim Jihwan to be the human cleared my head.

“Is this ultimately the position of a side top?”

The position of merely watching the main bottom from one step behind. And the loyalty of never looking at anyone else.

“I’ll have to get used to it.”

My world without Kim Jihwan was free, but at the same time, it was completely defenseless and filled with anxiety. I needed to keep moving, build levees that wouldn’t collapse, and tend the garden of my heart. I didn’t want to wander aimlessly just because Kim Jihwan wasn’t there, like I had when he went to Boracay.

I only needed to love him. There was no need to suffer from separation anxiety too.

Do you love Kim Jihwan?