Idol of the Heavenly One - vanish into fiction

When I had almost arrived at the dorm, the message from Baek Jae-heon saying that all the members had schedules today crossed my mind. If that were the case, there would be no one in the dorm where Baek Jae-heon stayed. Thinking like that, my footsteps naturally shifted toward the dorm we had recently moved into. I figured I should wait in my room and go see Baek Jae-heon when a KakaoTalk message arrived saying his schedule was finished.

When I opened the door, the inside of the dorm was quiet, just as expected. I set my bag down and slowly walked into my room. My room was tidy as always, but on that particular day, the wrinkles on the blanket atop the bed and the tiny traces left on the desk caught my eye. I sat quietly on the bed, harboring trivial thoughts like whether another member had used it, or if a manager hyung had rested here for a bit. Perhaps because I had rushed over, the moment I sat on the bed, my tension dissolved and my body sank down smoothly, and I fell asleep just as my eyes blinked.

Suddenly, a warmth was felt on my head. Someone was slowly stroking my hair. It was a cautious and familiar touch. When I opened my eyes, a giant white bear welcomed me.

“Moongbaek?”

It had been a long time. The white, round body and that appearance of guarding my side without a word remained exactly the same. It was an existence to whom I was always the first to reach out a hand and stroke, but the fact that I was receiving that touch in reverse right now felt strange yet natural. The warmth covering the top of my head slowly traveled down to my chest, and my breathing grew deep. It was a calm warmth that left no room for any thoughts. A feeling that quietly let me know I was not lonely, and that I was not alone.

For a while, I stared at Moongbaek’s round face without a word. In the past, I always thought that I wasn’t loved. That I hadn’t been chosen by anyone, and that in the end, I didn’t even have the courage to give away my heart. Because of that, I believed that I lived a life where I couldn’t love, and that it was my greatest regret. That thought had hardened for so long that it resided inside me like a belief.

However, feeling this touch right now, it suddenly dawned on me. Was I truly not loved? Or had I defined the shape of love too narrowly all this time. Just because I couldn’t be held in someone’s embrace, and couldn’t confess my love with a loud voice, I was undoubtedly in the middle of someone’s world, and I was an existence that someone wanted to protect. Even without putting it into words, and even without reaching out a hand, the warmths that remained by my side like this definitely existed.

Moongbaek smiled and whispered. ‘You back then, and you right now, are both happy. You know that, right?’ Those words settled deep inside my heart. The past me wasn’t miserable because I hadn’t received love. Nor was I empty because I couldn’t give love. It was just that I hadn’t called it love. The times I endured while holding out alone, the choices to quietly step back so as not to push someone away, and the emotions I left behind as a heart instead of words. I had denied all of it myself, believing it wasn’t love.

A laugh escaped me for no reason. Because the me back then, and the me right now, could remember someone’s touch and recognize warmth like this. It became clear only now that it wasn’t because I didn’t know love, but because I had been receiving it in a very quiet manner. Therefore, I felt that I didn’t have to regret anymore. A sense of relief rushed in, realizing I didn’t have to define myself as a life that wasn’t loved.

I nodded my head while smiling without a word. The past me, and the me right now, were already being loved sufficiently, and it was just that I finally came to properly acknowledge that fact only now.

When I opened my eyes, the dream vanished like a lie, and instead, the air of reality was felt.

“Are you awake?”

And in front of me was Baek Jae-heon. His appearance was so natural that it was confusing whether this was reality or still an extension of the dream. I stared at him blankly, then asked after finally collecting my senses. Asking how he knew to come when I hadn’t even contacted him saying I came to the dorm. Baek Jae-heon spoke unconcernedly, but he said he had been staying here for quite a while. Many emotions flashed by at that short remark. Though he didn’t say it, he must have been anxious thinking I might not return. Those thoughts tangled together, causing apologeticness and gratitude to rise simultaneously. I stared at him without being able to say a word.