Idol of the Heavenly One - Chapter 42.2
Ji Cheonmyeong Fanpage: I mean, I am a Baekcheon shipper, but what really makes me feel that Baek Jae-heon is extreme… is that during that fansign, he didn’t look at Ji Myeong-hyeon even once. When they’re together, he’s always staring at him when he sleeps, but in front of fans, he acts like nothing’s going on. Just how ruthless can someone be?
Lee Soonbok’s Sauna: But if Ji Myeong-hyeon ever sees this, he’s going to be horrified, haha.
And indeed, I was horrified. What kind of person is Baek Jae-heon, really? What kind of person says these things behind my back? No—more accurately, it isn’t exactly behind my back. I know better than anyone that it’s all a calculated part of his fan service. Baek Jae-heon knows exactly what the fans want, and how to stir their imaginations.
That’s why everything he says is just acting, a kind of performance. His words are designed and refined to make the fans cheer, laugh, and enjoy themselves. My head understands that, but my heart never listens.
The problem was me. What kind of person am I to feel my heart race and keep replaying meaningless words in my head every night?
“Am I… really…?”
The words rose to my lips but never came out. Am I gay? That one thought hovered right there, but saying it aloud felt like tumbling past a point of no return. Words have power. Once spoken, they stop being a joke or a fleeting thought—they become real. That’s why I always stopped right before that edge.
Still, the doubt was always there. Maybe it always would be.
How could someone feel fluttered by a fellow member? And over something as hollow as scripted fanservice? My heart shouldn’t react this strongly. I knew it made no sense, yet my emotions always tore through reason’s net and escaped on their own.
But I couldn’t draw any conclusions either. Thinking back over my life only made it more confusing. Counting even my past life, I’d already lived sixty-nine years, and in a few days, I would turn seventy. Yet in all that time, not once had I ever truly loved anyone, or even genuinely liked someone. Maybe I’d felt brief attraction or maintained social ties, but I had never experienced anything like this—my heart pounding, my thoughts consumed. So I didn’t know whether this was love, or just momentary excitement, or maybe an emotion suppressed for too long that had suddenly erupted.
And I still left room for possibility. Maybe one day, I’d meet a woman and truly fall in love for the first time. If that happened, then what I felt now would turn out to be a misunderstanding, just a fleeting emotion. I told myself to rationalize it. Yet at night, I still found myself sleepless, replaying his words, his laughter, the sweat on his face under the stage lights.
It was a tug-of-war between the part of me that didn’t want to admit it and the part that couldn’t hold on without admitting it.
I don’t know what love is. I’ve never experienced it, so I can’t tell if this trembling, this excitement, is real or not. But maybe that’s exactly why it scares me—and why I’m falling even deeper.
Knock, knock—
I had been lost in thought when someone knocked on the door.
“Who is it?”
I straightened up from the headboard and called out.
“Hyung, it’s Ji-hak.”
So it was Ji-hak. For a moment, I felt a twinge of annoyance. Still, I reluctantly got up and opened the door.
“What is it?”
Ji-hak stood there, eyes shining.
“Uh, I’m planning to go live with Jae-heon hyung in a bit. Do you want to join us?”
Since Ji-hak was rooming with Baek Jae-heon, it made sense they’d do a live broadcast together. But the look on his face as he asked me—there was something sly about it, like he already knew what kind of reaction he’d get. I was about to refuse right away.
Then Baek Jae-heon’s face flashed in my mind. What was he thinking right now? What kind of expression would he wear during the live stream? Suddenly, I wanted to find out.
“…Sure.”
The answer slipped out more easily than I expected.
“Huh? Really?”
Ji-hak’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Yeah. When are you doing it?”
“In an hour. Come to our room—the one on the right.”
“Got it. I’ll be there.”
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