Idol of the Heavenly One - Chapter 47.1
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The company didn’t seem to attach much meaning to my attitude. In idol groups, it was natural that each member had different personalities. Some combinations worked well together, while others didn’t. But the members were different. They must have noticed my attitude because they kept glancing between me and Baek Jae-heon, clearly trying to gauge something. They never asked directly, but I could feel their curiosity in their eyes and in the subtle silences. It was as if the air itself whispered, “Did those two fight?”
Still, they didn’t seem sure. Even though I was clearly keeping my distance, the person involved—Baek Jae-heon—remained completely unbothered.
As if that moment in the early morning, when he held my hand and brushed his fingers against my palm, had never happened. Even though I had frozen up afterward and drew a cold line between us, he never once showed a flicker of emotion, confusion, or any attempt to bring up that night.
He was just the usual Baek Jae-heon. He called me when he needed me, and when he didn’t, he went about his business as usual. Even when we were sitting alone together in the dorm, he acted as if nothing had happened. When our eyes met, there wasn’t the slightest sign of hesitation in his gaze—unlike me, who always looked away in a panic. It was as if that night had been my imagination.
That made it even more suffocating.
I couldn’t forget that night, yet Baek Jae-heon seemed completely unaffected.
‘Is he really fine?’
‘Was holding my hand that night not sincere?’
‘Or does he not even remember it?’
I repeated those questions in my head over and over. Maybe I had just misunderstood. Maybe I had read too much into the atmosphere that night. Maybe it was just a sleepy, unconscious gesture in the early hours of the morning, and I was the only one foolishly giving it meaning.
But if that were true, then why that night? Why that moment? Why did he hold my hand so firmly and meet my gaze without looking away? Why did he tighten his grip, like someone who had just woken up, without saying a word?
I kept breaking down with every passing moment. I tried to act normal, but my heart grew heavier, sinking deeper, dragging me down.
Even so, I forced myself to smile, to speak casually, to maintain the attitude of “I’m not the one who’s shaken.” But inside, a constant wave of emotion churned. Everything was tangled and heavy, and my chest tightened as if I couldn’t breathe.
So I settled on one solution. I would just close my eyes. Whenever my thoughts got tangled, I closed my eyes. If I closed them, I could block out his face, the watchful eyes of the members, and the sudden rushes of emotion—at least for a while.
The problem was that most of my day was tangled like that. During commutes, while waiting between schedules, even when resting at the dorm, I spent most of my time with my eyes closed. With them shut, I could escape for a bit.
But under my eyelids, the memories became even clearer—the touch of his hand that night, the look in his eyes. And again, the questions rose in my mind.
‘Is he really fine? Was it really just my imagination?’
‘Why hasn’t he reacted, even once, since that day?’
‘Damn it, did I really just dream it?’
Every time I saw Baek Jae-heon laughing naturally with the other members, even when he brushed past me and called my name so casually, it felt like everything was stabbing at me. His calmness weighed on me more heavily than anything else.
I tried to endure it, hiding the gloom that Baek Jae-heon brought to my days as much as I could, but then the worst schedule appeared.
“The program shoot lasts about sixteen hours. You can’t sleep while waiting. You have to stay with the members, and you absolutely can’t talk to any girl groups. Don’t make eye contact, don’t even glance their way. Everything gets caught on camera.”
[Idol Sports Festival]
I hadn’t even known such a show existed. Apparently, this “ISAC” program was a regular holiday special aired every festive season. The good thing was that fans could attend and cheer in person, so they could see us up close. The bad thing was that even turning your head toward a girl group could get you caught on camera and cause a commotion.
Of course, that had nothing to do with me. The problem was that the waiting time was long, we couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t avoid Baek Jae-heon. It was the worst possible schedule.
Whoever came up with this program—and decided to make it a recurring event—deserved to be questioned.
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